Speculate wildly about a historical character

Rene Descartes appeared in 15 episodes of The Bill before founding modern philosophy.
 
Harriet Tubman was recently revealed as the brains behind the chess anal buzzer scandal.
 
Pope Urban II was behind the biggest hits of En Vogue, TLC and Jade.
 
Robert the Bruce hated his name, and desperately wished he was just called Bob Smith
 
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Tisch said:
Eleanor of Aquitaine was a nightmare for forgetting her bags for life whenever she did a big shop.
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Worse was Æthelstan. Never had a pound coin for the trolleys. Often ended up with two or three baskets.
 
All of Alexander Pope’s classical prose was actually ghost written by noted littérateur Geru Hallwell.


Rumours are that famed protagonist Arabella Fermor from the high burlesque classic The Rape Of The Lock was actually based on one of the all time great muses of the Enlightenment Era, Mel Beh.
 
William the Conquerer had only meant to "hurry" the north, as he was late for an appointment at his Danelawyers.
 
Sir Francis Drake claimed his knighthood for enslaving half of the Americas, but he actually stumbled upon it by accident. He took a wrong turn on the Irish Sea while out looking for a 24 Hour Co-Op; the one at Portsmouth Harbour closes at 11 and he was dying for a sausage roll.
 
ZenGiraffe said:
Robert the Bruce hated his name, and desperately wished he was just called Bob Smith
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The rumour was that Robin Of Loxley had already claimed that name for his pseudonym whenever he checked into the Premier Inn to secretly meet Maid Marion, and Robert's PR team were worried he might get mistaken for an Englishman :(
 
funky said:
Sir Francis Drake claimed his knighthood for enslaving half of the Americas, but he actually stumbled upon it by accident. He took a wrong turn on the Irish Sea while out looking for a 24 Hour Co-Op; the one at Portsmouth Harbour closes at 11 and he was dying for a sausage roll.
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This a total rewriting of history. Sir Francis detested the Co-Op. He hated their ethics. He preferred shopping at late night garages, safe in the knowledge he was supporting BIG OIL.
 
Edward Jenner spent his Saturday afternoons slow wanking for a big splurge during Celebrity Pointless.
 
GinAg (39) said:
This a total rewriting of history. Sir Francis detested the Co-Op. He hated their ethics. He preferred shopping at late night garages, safe in the knowledge he was supporting BIG OIL.
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That's what I get for reading the historical pages of the DAILY FAIL.
 
dmlaw said:
William Wallace was born in Wolverhampton and only moved to Scotland when he was 14. Throughout his life, he never lost his strong Black Country accent, which is what Mel Gibson was trying to do in ‘Braveheart’.
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I wonder if that means that Kevin Costner was born in... oh wait never mind he didn't even fucking bother to try.
 
Lord Reith's original aim for the BBC was "To Educate, To Inform, To Sexually Excite and To Entertain". He was persuaded that the third could be successfully incorporated into the last for a snappier slogan.
 
Mother Theresa fucked David Bowie, but had done so much gak she had no memory of it
 
Finn said:
Mother Theresa fucked David Bowie, but had done so much gak she had no memory of it
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This is true. It was actually Neville Chamberlain that got her onto it, during the famous Munich bender. Before that she just did poppers.
 
Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon divorced over a decade-long disagreement about which is the worst Star Trek movie. Henry thought it was Nemesis, whereas Catherine despised the idolatry of Star Trek V.
 
While many believe Catherine the Great died while attempting to take a length from her prized horse, her death was actually due to a stroke brought on after reading a Glassdoor review of her palace in which a disgruntled employee claimed "Below stairs we call her Catherine the Bellend".
 
Nikita Khrushchev's OnlyFans account is called 'Cumrade' and has largely disappointed fans of the former First Secretary of the Soviet Union, due to a lack of holes.
 
Michelangelo was commissioned to paint 'The Creation of Adam' in the Sistine Chapel only after local clergy were unhappy with his original design 'Unlicensed Disney Characters like they put on the side of the Waltzers'.
 
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