Speculate wildly about a historical character

[GinAg (39)]

Thomas Cromwell believes covers of 90s dance tracks have had their day "if Guetta fucks with Alex Party there'll be beheadings"

 

[GinAg (39)]

Justinian I refuses to get into online banking.

 

[Iguana]

Queen Victoria wore black attire for 10 years to mourn the loss of MVC.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Contrary to popular belief Prince Albert actually had his penis AND anus pierced

 

[Tisch]

Anne Boleyn still watches the Shoes video from 2006 and gets it out at every feast

 

[GNL]

Lady Jane Grey is very frustrated that nobody ever talks about her transformative pro-growth agenda or her plan to open up new pork markets.

 

[dmlaw]

Nell Gwynne has been trying to move out of selling oranges and get more into crypto.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Empress Matilda loves nothing more of an evening than lying on the sofa, listening to true crime podcasts with a box of cheap pinot, a jumbo bag of bombay mix and a handful of CBD gummies.

 

[GinAg (39)]

The Elephant Man has found fame from beyond the grave, lip syncing to the speeches of Harold Macmillan on TikTok.

 

[GNL]

Wishbone, the time travelling dog, retired to 14th century Baghdad.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Aneurin Bevan, founder of the NHS is currently starring in the West End playing Barry Bulsara in a musical based on the crimes of Cliff Richard.

 

[dmlaw]

Pol Pot invented Pot Pourri.

 

[octophone]

William Shakespeare's real name was Agamemnon Trifold. He got the nickname "Willy Shakes Spear" after serving 6 months for indecent exposure due to what he later described as a "misunderstanding" at the dog pound.

 

[octophone]

Grover Cleveland coined the phrase "well, butter my arse and call me a crumpet".

 

[GinAg (39)]

Mary Seacole has written at least 15 Eurovision entries.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Edward Jenner was last seen wandering nude around the Welsh vallies after consuming a sheet of LSD.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Florence Nightingale could take a couple of fists on a good day.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Grover Cleveland coined the phrase "well, butter my arse and call me a crumpet".

He actually gave his name to the TV series Byker Grove

 

[big ron]

Boutros Boutros-Ghali Invented wotsits

 

[GinAg (39)]

Christopher Colombus thinks the scandal of Excel Bullies is overstated. He said "if it was good enough for Nelly and Kelly, then I don't see the problem".

 

[GinAg (39)]

Neville Chamberlain's coke habit was so out of control that while on a 72 hour bender he ended up flying to Munich and declaring world peace on the airport tarmac.

 

[Dark Carnival]

The F in president JFK's initials stands for FISTING.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Maximilien Robespierre pioneered iglooing.

 

[GinAg (39)]

The F in president JFK's initials stands for FISTING.

The K stands for ketamine

 

[dmlaw]

General Stonewall Jackson was the first professional skateboarder to land a 720 heelflip at the 1996 X Games in San Diego.

 

[GinAg (39)]

General Stonewall Jackson was the first professional skateboarder to land a 720 heelflip at the 1996 X Games in San Diego.

Meanwhile Ulysses S. Grant was the first military leader to successfully use a horse wearing rollerskates in battle.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Hermann Göring wore his sunglasses at night.

 

[Tisch]

The neanderthal remains of "Lucy" won the first ever ASFM with the track "low hums and breath"

 

[Finn]

Enya's great great grandmother invented talcum powder

 

[GNL]

Claims that Cleopatra spoke six languages are greatly exaggerated. She was just a very non-committal Duolingo user.

 

[disneyteletubby]

That Ruth Goodman is a time-traveller from the Tudor times

(I've imagined this for a while, especially after reading a bit of her Wikipedia page, when watching her historical segments on Inside The Factory)

 

[Funky]

Richard III was allegedly an AVID collector of those charity tokens they give out at the tills at Tesco. Instead of putting them in his chosen charity box he would take them home and collect them in jars. It got so bad at one point that they had move all his tapestries into the Palace loft to make room.

 

[GinAg (39)]

It's worth skipping the summer entries of Samuel Pepys diary, it's mostly about Love Island.

 

[octophone]

He actually gave his name to the TV series Byker Grove

Correct - it was called Grover's Bike until someone pointed out that having a lead character who was dead would be a hindrance.

 

[octophone]

Lambert Simnel played harmonica with The Beatles in Hamburg in 1961.

 

[GNL]

Bertholt Brecht knew he had made it when Austin Drage performed 'Mack the Knife' on X Factor's Big Band Week.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Correct - it was called Grover's Bike until someone pointed out that having a lead character who was dead would be a hindrance.

He actually played Geoff in the first three series.

 

[GinAg (39)]

Other famous souls who appeared in Grovers Bike include Joseph Bazalgette, Mary Queen of Scots, Suleiman the Magnificent and Piers Gaveston (whom Noddy lost his anal virginity to).

 

[GinAg (39)]

PJ and Duncan were of course played by Mansa Musa and bawdy author Geoffrey Chaucer.

 

[octophone]

Other famous souls who appeared in Grovers Bike include Joseph Bazalgette, Mary Queen of Scots, Suleiman the Magnificent and Piers Gaveston (whom Noddy lost his anal virginity to).

Some people thought the latter episode - "Brown Wings" - was a bit much for CBBC at 4.45pm but no-one ever forgets it and you can't buy that.